Portrait art made with lipstick kisses by Natalie Irish.
…my mind just got blown
We don’t realize how much we affect people. How just one touch or phrase can bring back terrible memories that the other person had been suppressing. That person was doing such a good job in forgetting and then you touched them a certain way or said something that someone else used to say and you bring all those feelings and memories back to that person. That giant wall that they had worked so hard at building up suddenly crashes down in that instance. Of course that wasn’t your intention you had no idea but that’s the thing. We don’t know everyone’s past, we don’t know the shit they’ve gone through or are going through. We make jokes and act a certain way with each other but we don’t know if what we said or did has royally screwed them over. We don’t know if when they go home, they cut or cry or don’t eat for the rest of the day because of something we said or did. We just hear jokes and see happy faces..we see happy people…but maybe they’re not happy. Take that into consideration the next time you want to make a “joke” or repeatedly grope someone and be all over them when they’ve told you numerous times that it’s not funny. See because now you’ve royally screwed me over. The nightmares had stopped and I was doing ok but in one minute you fcked all that up. I took a nap, had the nightmares..you have no idea how much you screwed me all up because you were trying to be funny. and you know what its not ok…fck you!! i am so mad at you for doing this and you have no clue that you did this…now the memories of the night in the house and all those times in the car and the pool have flooded back in a giant wave. Images and feelings flash every fcking minute because of you. Because of you it’s like going through it all over again. Because of you i have to go through the same goddamn process of telling myself none of it was my fault when i know it was. I know it was ALL my fcking fault. Thanks, thanks a lot….
I wish we knew what other people thought, it would make shit so much easier. We’d know when someone was lying. We’d know how others feel. It would save us a lot of hurt. You wouldn’t misinterpret things because you know exactly when he meant by hugging you or randomly coming up to you and talking to you about anything that pops into his head. wkerwlerkj i hate that…i think one thing by the hugs and the random conversations but to you they probably mean absolutely nothing. i over-think i know i’m sorry. it gets me into a lot of trouble and gets me hurt. i almost set myself up for the heartache. Because when you haven’t talked to me in all of our 4 years of high school and now you suddenly start finding random ways to talk to me and give me a hug when we’ve only talked like twice and stuff like that in my idiotic head i think it means something, maybe someone actually doesn’t find me disgusting i think to myself but you don’t like me..you can’t like me because no one like you ever likes someone like me..and whenever I think someone likes me that usually don’t so even though all that shit means something to me it means nothing to you, you feel nothing, you’re just nice..and that’s what i have to tell myself. I just have to keep telling myself that it’s all in my head, that you mean nothing by all of the little things i’ve noticed don’t mean a damn thing…IF by some strange reason you don’t find me disgusting and you do like me then that’s great but at least I won’t be expecting anything to then get my hopes up when you don’t like me…we’ll see where this goes but as for right now all of this means nothing
I’d just like to know why. Why did you do it. Why did you ask me out? Why did you do shit with her? Why? I’m so sick of not being good enough. I’m never enough for anyone. Just once I’d like to be someone’s everything, just once I’d like to be the first choice, just once I’d like to be enough. Instead I’ll just always be the hookup, the girl to past time with, the trophy, the ass and boobs, or just the girl to make the one you really want jealous. I’ll never be someone’s first choice and that’s something I have to accept. I’d just like to know what is so bad about me that no one can actually love me for me..what is so wrong with me that guys have to look for an other girl while being with me…what is so wrong with me that a guy can’t like me for me and just wants to get it in..whatever it is I want to fix it, i can’t do this anymore..I’m sick of being alone. Maybe one day I’ll be enough for someone…
you don’t get to say you’re depressed. you dont get to say that you miss be because this is your fault. you’re not allowed to play the victim when you fcking cheated. you lost the right to say “poor me my girlfriend broke up with me boo hoo”. you brought this upon yourself. its not fair that you go around acting like im this horrible bitch that broke your heart when you broke mine. its not fair that i sit hear in my room alone and depressed out of my fcking mind while you’re probably at her house having the time of your life and getting it in. it’s just not fair.
She’s gone…my baby’s gone. I came home half expecting to see her there even though I had just been in the room when she passed. It feels like a nightmare that I can’t wake up from. None of this seems real. She was so excited to see us I felt so guilty that she was so happy when we all knew that we were putting her down. We kept questioning our decision and right before our eyes we saw her get worse and worse and that was when we knew we were making the right choice. Ugh it was horrible having to do that. At one point it seemed like she knew that it was the end. She sat down and looked at us crying as if she knew she wouldn’t be coming home with us, as if she knew that would be the last time we be together. She had been sedated and was falling asleep and she couldn’t move and I went to give her a final kiss and she used everything she had to lick me. I miss her so much. It hurts so bad, i just want to cry and throw up. We got to say goodbye to her after they gave her the medicine to actually put her down. Her eyes were wide open and I kept wishing she’d blink and stand up. I prayed that when I rubbed her ear she would look up at me. But she was gone. R.I.P baby girl. I love you with all of my heart. Until we meet again <3333